Why turning 29 will be harder than turning 30.

Tomorrow I turn 29. I don't usually make too much of a fuss over my own birthdays. They don't bum me out and neither do they make me excited, its just whatever. Until this morning. I woke up this morning to find out some friends of ours had gotten some great news. I was so excited for them, but it quickly turned into being bummed out for me.  Tomorrow I turn 29...and all of these things I thought I would have accomplished are still just dreams.

I have no bum steer to blame for where I find myself. Its because I am a dreamer and have yet to become a doer. I thought by now I would have opened my own coffee shop and would be, at least, a moderately successful business owner. At this point I would settle for struggling business owner just to see the thing come to life. I thought we would be in the adoption process by now, but with each bleak bank balance I feel like we are further and further away. Its not that I lack vision, its action that eludes me.

I am afraid that this coffee shop that I can see and smell when I close my eyes will be a bust. That this thing I have made so much a part of me will be a flop. So out of fear I don't take any leaps. I have had multiple opportunities slip through my fingers as I am almost paralyzed by the fear of failure.

I can see an adorable little Ugandan or Haitian girl(s) as a part of our freak show. I believe it is what I was born to do, like I believe I need air to breathe. So why don't I already have a savings account set up to plan ahead for paying for the high cost?...lack of action.

As I scan over the landscape of 28 it smells stagnant. Turning 29 is hard because I feel as if I have wasted the 365 days leading up to it. I had a beautiful baby boy and I know I did lots of things so I know its not for nothing, but I didn't really make it something either. 30 will be different. 29 will be the year I rise out of the ashes of inactivity and make it count. My plan is to live enough and work enough and share enough and care enough to make up for 28 and every other year that came before it. 30 will not be this hard!

You see then that a man is justified by works,and not by faith only. James 2:24